Working Mom vs Stay-at-Home Mom: The Unsaid Truths
But I must confess that I'm not as good at this mommy business as I thought I'd be.
In fact, it sometimes kicks my butt.
Probably the thing that surprises me the most about motherhood is that I'm not sure which kind of mommy I like being more- a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. In just three short years, I've already had the opportunity of being both, and let me just say that there are things about both lives that not enough moms are talking about...
All Moms are Working Moms
I have realized this more now that I'm home full time with my boys. It bugs me that we still use the term "working mom" for only those women that are moms getting paid to do something else. ALL moms are working moms! I hate to admit it, but I really think that I get more pooped out from chasing around my two little boys than I ever did from rehearsing with 70+ elementary kids on stage for a show. I think it helped that the students left the workplace at the end of the day. If only that could be the case for me now!
The cliche term "stay-at-home" is Inaccurate
This phrase gives the miss perception that mom chills out all day with the kids, in the quiet, peaceful comfort of her own home. WRONG! The home is hardly ever quiet or peaceful and she is quite often not home at all. I wish I could come up with a better word for it. Maybe "full time mom"? I guess "homemaker"? But the "working moms" are those things, too. Not sure what to call myself. I'll take suggestions.
My kids are more neglected now because I'm home full time
I never thought I'd say this. It goes against everything we hear, esp when learning about the importance of staying home with our kids. While I was teaching full time, I hated saying goodbye to my baby every morning, but throughout the day, I didn't worry about him because I knew he was getting all kinds of love, attention and stimulation.
After picking him up at the end of the day, I made a conscious effort to spend all my attention on my Little One because I knew I only had 3 or 4 precious hours with him before bedtime. Cooking and cleaning fell by the wayside- it was worth the sacrifice to play with my kid.
Well, now that I'm home with the kids all the time, I've realized that I can't put my full focus and attention on them the whole time I'm with them. I actually have to clean and cook and cook and clean, which sucks! And it doesn't help when the boys whine for my attention and beg to play with me because it only makes me feel more guilty that I'm not playing with them! I wish I could focus completely on them the whole time!! It tares at my heart strings when I resort to plopping my kid in front of the TV so that I can "get something done," as we so often coin it.
I was told that the first day of teaching after having the baby would be the hardest, that it would get easier over time. Not for me! The first day was the easiest. It was so nice having a chance to be off on my own again after 5 months of maternity leave. Don't get me wrong, I ADORED my baby! But there was something spectacular about being alone, out of the house, having a conversation with other like-minded adults and doing something that I'm really good at.
Tanner didn't cry at all the first day...or the first week. But as time went on, things got harder and harder. I was burdened with trying to maintain a rigid schedule so that the babysitter would have it easier. Keeping my milk supply up by pumping at work 4 times a day was tricky. During school performances (which was about once a month), work days got too long, and I saw less of my family.
When it comes to being able to see your kid grow and develop new skills, it's a way better deal to be home full time. Now, I really am the first person to see my son learn how to roll a ball or take his first steps. It's amazing to watch from one day to the next, or even one hour to the next, how much they get better at something as simple as pointing or jumping!
Full time Moms complain too much
When I was working, there were lots of moms at church that stayed home. It seemed like they complained a lot about always being busy. Granted some of them had 5 or 6 kids. But that didn't keep me from thinking, "Those moms have it so easy! I hate it when they complain about not having time for cooking and cleaning." And now, being home full time, I am of the opinion that I was so RIGHT about that one!
While working as a teacher, I'd be lucky to do the dishes once a week. The bathrooms would literally go weeks and weeks without getting cleaned. I only cooked a decent meal on weekends, and my laundry NEVER got folded. For real, folding laundry did not happen. Sometimes the clean and dirty piles would get mixed up (thanks to Little One) and we had to actually sniff the clothes to see if they were clean.
It is way, WAY easier to keep the house up when my only true obligation is home and children. Sure, my house is often a mess, and as soon as I finish cleaning up the barf on the couch, I turn around only to find spilled juice on the kitchen floor. Toys are always dumped out, dirty diapers are always piled up and I'm always a few loads behind with the laundry. Yet, despite the current challenges, I have SO much more time to do this stuff. I mean, I've got enough time to do one load of dishes everyday. It still sounds crazy to say that! I have time to clean one room in the house every day. The best part about all this time is that our family now eats a decent, home cooked meal around the table together about 6 days a week!
While working as a teacher, I'd be lucky to do the dishes once a week. The bathrooms would literally go weeks and weeks without getting cleaned. I only cooked a decent meal on weekends, and my laundry NEVER got folded. For real, folding laundry did not happen. Sometimes the clean and dirty piles would get mixed up (thanks to Little One) and we had to actually sniff the clothes to see if they were clean.
It is way, WAY easier to keep the house up when my only true obligation is home and children. Sure, my house is often a mess, and as soon as I finish cleaning up the barf on the couch, I turn around only to find spilled juice on the kitchen floor. Toys are always dumped out, dirty diapers are always piled up and I'm always a few loads behind with the laundry. Yet, despite the current challenges, I have SO much more time to do this stuff. I mean, I've got enough time to do one load of dishes everyday. It still sounds crazy to say that! I have time to clean one room in the house every day. The best part about all this time is that our family now eats a decent, home cooked meal around the table together about 6 days a week!
(My Cougar Chorus students, March 2013, I'm 7.5 months pregnant with Dallin)
Maybe because I now have more time, I often feel a constant expectation looming over me that a "house wife" must always be "getting something done." As if playing and doing art projects and music time and story time and naps and diaper changes doesn't count as getting something done! I know my home doesn't have to be perfect, yet, there is still guilt at the end of the day when I don't have a long list of tasks that were checked as "done."
I mentioned this to Jeremy after a month or two of being home full-time. In a pathetic voice I said, "I'm sorry I didn't get anything done today. Maybe if you watch the boys for a while I can clean the family room, since it's filthy." His response was revolutionary to me. "SarahLynn, the house is not dirty. The place doesn't have to be spotless. We have kids!" This was so refreshing to hear, and it has freed me from placing unnecessary expectations on myself.
To help keep from being obsessed with "getting something done," I have made a few rules for myself. Here's just a few.
Rule #1- When feeling guilty about a "dirty" home, recite this poem while you take care of your children: "Dust and cobwebs, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep."
Rule #2- I am only allowed to wash the kitchen counter ONCE a day. Otherwise, I'll be washing it over and over, and for what cause? Just so it can stay clean for an hour or two before it gets dirty again. (I'm surprised how dirty my counter DOESN'T get now that I follow this rule).
Rule #3- The kids get to participate in doing at least one chore a day with me. Focus on the experience, not the result.
Society still Caters best to the "stay at home" Mom
As a full time teacher with a kid at home, I wanted to make the most of my time with him. So I tried signing up for a Mommy and Me class. Gymboree classes were only on Tues and Thurs at 10 am. Story time at the library was only on Weds at 9 am & 3 pm. Music classes? Art classes? All on weekdays during business hours. Scheduling visits to the pediatrician? Only open 9-4 pm on weekdays. Community events for babies and preschoolers? Weekdays during business hours. NOTHING was ever offered after 5 pm on weekdays or on the weekends. I could not believe this, especially being in Orange County, CA, where a substantial percentage of mothers in the community work part and full time. The case is the same here in our current town. I think with all the issues of equality that our country has tried to overcome, this is a complete disgrace! Seriously, how hard is it to offer a few ECE family classes and some doctor appointments on a Saturday morning every now and then!?!
I'm More Free now, but I was More Free Then
Now that I work only as a mom, I have freedom to control my own life! I control our schedule, what we eat, where we go, what we do. I like how Tanner can stay up late sometimes and we can sleep in the next day. I don't have to keep a journal book for the babysitters of what my kid ate or when he pooped each day just so that we all know what's happening to him.
I love being a mom that's home full time!
But at the same time, I miss the freedom that came each day at work away from home. I miss having permission everyday to use my skills outside of the house with other people and places. Also, I loved how Tanner took bottles and was happy to be taken care of by anyone. This brought so much freedom that I don't have with Dallin. He hates using a bottle because I'm always around to breastfeed him. This makes it really hard to just go on a date or shop by myself.
I love being a mom that has another job!
As my experience with mommy-hood continues, my love complex between working or staying home gets more complex. I'm embracing the opportunity I currently have to be at home full time with my beautiful boys. I need to embrace it because I have a feeling it won't be long before I'm in a classroom again, getting another big group of kids to sing their hearts out. Who knows? Maybe by then Tanner will be one of the students in my class. That will make for another long blog post, I'm sure!
Comments
"I didn't worry because I knew he was getting all kinds of love and attention and stimulation" Well that may be true...but it has been proven time and again that no one loves our children as well as we do. Given basic mental and physical health are a factor in the parents life. Child care situations are a business and yes they can be wonderful caregivers, but they do NOT devote all of their time and attention to any ONE child, you can bet they are doing other things too. :)
"Full Time Mom's Complain too much": I often have wondered if they want validation for the choice they are making in not having the opportunity to be involved in the day to day. Like you said the pointing, throwing a ball etc. And maybe they don't have that choice, more mother's of pre-schoolers are single than married now... I think I just heard that report lately. (might want to confirm that) I think as women, guilt is a huge factor. We feel bad when we're gone, bad we can't do more when we're home. It's a learning experience at best!!
You are a dear Mommy and learning lots! It's a career that is not validated enough!! It is a time in your life you can only do once, being home w/little ones is exhausting and exhilarating, it takes practice and patience w/yourself and them, remember they are here to teach us Godhood.
LOVES and HUGS XOX ~Your Mom
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